Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Hump Day

I made it to Wednesday. And still feeling really good. Of course I have had my moments of feeling really low and I have been able to snap back really quickly, thank God for helping with that. I have some energy and the house is really clean all the time. I have been listening to music and relaxing outside since the weather is better. Now that cooler weather is around, my moods are increasing day by day. I HATE summer and all the heat. I am incredibly miserable in summer like some people would be in winter freezing.  But in winter, I will be the first outside rolling around making snow angels and having snowball fights lol But with the weather like it is here in Kentucky right now.. if it stayed this way year round.. my mood would be wonderful all the time lol

Bill and I are doing really good. Of course with him being bipolar, he has his moments which automatically send me into a spiral, but we've been together so long now that we know how to get past it and I don't just walk away from him.. I know its not him.

I guess the biggest thing that bugs me right now is how we have no time together. We wake up in the morning around 9am. He leaves for work around 10:15am. (but boss has him in earlier than that some days) He gets home from work between 7:30pm and 9:30pm. Most days he doesn't even get his 15 minute lunch. A lot of times, he leaves from work at night and stops by his uncle's house on the way home.. which turns into an hour or so. Or comes home and goes back there and stays a while. Or even in and out. It seems like we have a total of an hour a day that we actually communicate. And that hurts.. makes me feel like he just doesn't want to be around me.  I go to bed around 11:30 or so.. I don't want to change my sleeping schedule just to sit in a room with him silently while he plays games on the computer.

I know its really not that big of a deal I guess.. but to me it is. I just wish he would tell his boss that he will be working less hours and work out a good schedule.. or come home and be with me after work.. or take a day off and make it a good day.  Instead this is a side of his life that I do not even know. I've never met anyone from work and only seen his Uncle once and his cousin twice. I feel left out I guess.

But things are better.. I feel more confident right now and I feel more energy. I don't cry all day every day right now. I can laugh and even sing around the house. Of course, my doggies have become my best friends. They get to hear it all. When I cry, they are right there licking at my tears. I just wish it were human contact a bit more often. :/

Friday, August 20, 2010


Well, I made it to Friday. Yay me! And today started off wonderful! I pray it continues and my mind agrees. Realized something this morning.. I've had thoughts in my head for a week. Thoughts that could have destroyed my relationship. Lies that were in my head that -I- put there. And I had let myself get so wrapped up in them that I couldn't breathe. It was all I could think about. But this morning I was proved wrong. I had to admit to myself that none of those thoughts were real. Maybe I had reason to question things.. but I never should have let them control my happiness all week long.

I've realized that things may not be perfect, but if they were, I wouldn't be happy. Who would be? Life molds us to who we are. The way we handle things and the things we choose to do make us who we are. Obstacles and hard times in life teach us to handle things better. It teaches us to grow and to trust. I have to put trust into someone else no matter how hard that is to do.

I have two best friends. My man and his sister. Bill may not can be there for me all the time because of his own issues. And the same with his sister. But they are there for me. And I trust her.. its time to put more trust into him. I pray he doesn't break that, because God knows, it's been a VERY long time since I have been able to trust a man that I love. And luckily. his sister is there anytime I need her. She knows that I am there for her too. We can grow together and both of us deal with the post traumatic. And we can learn to trust together and that will help.

So here's to a good day. I pray it stays that way but I am going to work SUPER hard to not let those thoughts in my head today. But to be happy and keep this smile on my face and know that there are people out there who care and love me. I AM NOT ALONE.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Lock the doors?

Seriously.. is it such a big deal that I lock the doors when I am home alone??? Its a personal safety measure.

Day #2 - Feeling like crap

So my fiancee just left for work. I'm already in panic mode. Crying and carrying on. Grr. I HATE this crap. I want to feel normal. I want to not think he is cheating on me everytime I turn around. Then again, I want someone who will be proud of me, no matter how hard things are right now. And removing that you are engaged to me from your public profile doesn't help me feel that. Then add in that you have NO photos of the two of us or me on your page. Yet I have them on mine. Not anymore. If you aren't proud, why should I be?

Why can't I wake up and think.. wow, what a beautiful day! And smile and be happy? Like I used to be. Why do I have to wake up ready to slice a throat and cry more like an ocean than a river.

My dogs see me like this every day. I know its stupid, but they are my babies now. And I don't like them having to come over and kiss me all day just because they see me cry. I want to play with them and them to be happy. I want to go outside and throw the ball with them. Of course the weight doesnt help with that. And the depression makes me hurt SO bad. All over. I feel like I have been ran over by a mack truck.

I wake up crying, I go to bed crying. God take me away from all of this! I just want to be happy. Nothing more. I want my relationship to work. I love him. I was here for him when he wasn't a great person and dealing with his bipolar. I want him to understand and be there for me more now.

I want my kids to love me again. To be proud of me. I want to see them but I won't let them see me like this. Its been a LONG time and I can't let them know what is going on with me. They both have depression too. Luckily its not as severe as mine is right now and my mom makes sure it doesnt get that way. They are in counseling.

Blah. I just want some relief. A day to feel better. To feel normal. To be normal.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

1st Blog.. Reality is not a fun place to be

In our lifetimes, we probably get used repeatedly. In one way or another. Whether it is a ride somewhere or a quarter to buy a cigarette. Hope you are ready to be used again. Because this blog is where I am going to use YOU, whomever you are that reads this, to pull myself out of the reality of post traumatic stress disorder. 

This isn't something that I can do alone. I've tried. Believe me. I've lost all friends. I'm losing the love of my life. And I'm losing my own mind. 

Last year, on July 2nd, my fiance was stabbed in the back of his head. I did not witness the stabbing itself as I had turned and ran inside to call the police. But as soon as I picked up the phone and dialed, I turned back and ran toward the door as he was coming in. There was blood everywhere. All over him. He couldn't sit still. He was in shock. It was horrifying for me. I lived a very simple preachers kid life. I never was exposed to violence like this. And it was all because we would not let them illegally tap into our cable that we had just had installed.

Since then, I've kind of lived in my own little world. I don't talk to many people. I always talked to my fiance but he is getting where he cannot handle it all now. It stresses him out. -I- stress him out.

I don't leave my house often. Grocery run real fast sometimes. But that is maybe a half hour a month. I don't like people. I don't trust them. I'm afraid all the time that something is going to happen. And to make things worse.. I am a procrastinator. I need to see the doctor but being as I do not have insurance or income, I have to go to the clinic and it is only at night. I have to take the bus and would have to pray that I get out before the last bus and that hasn't ever happened.  So I just don't go. My blood pressure is really slapping me hard lately because of all this. I was doing better but seems I have gone all the way downhill now.

So that is why I am writing this blog. To help myself by exposing my day to day thoughts and concerns. By asking for help. By getting it all out in a healthy way instead of beating up all the dishes and cabinets in the kitchen!

Hopefully it will be interesting. Cry some days, laugh some days. Who knows. I certainly don't. I couldn't tell you if I am coming or going anymore. But enough for now. I will write more soon. Hope you enjoy reading.