Wednesday, August 18, 2010

1st Blog.. Reality is not a fun place to be

In our lifetimes, we probably get used repeatedly. In one way or another. Whether it is a ride somewhere or a quarter to buy a cigarette. Hope you are ready to be used again. Because this blog is where I am going to use YOU, whomever you are that reads this, to pull myself out of the reality of post traumatic stress disorder. 

This isn't something that I can do alone. I've tried. Believe me. I've lost all friends. I'm losing the love of my life. And I'm losing my own mind. 

Last year, on July 2nd, my fiance was stabbed in the back of his head. I did not witness the stabbing itself as I had turned and ran inside to call the police. But as soon as I picked up the phone and dialed, I turned back and ran toward the door as he was coming in. There was blood everywhere. All over him. He couldn't sit still. He was in shock. It was horrifying for me. I lived a very simple preachers kid life. I never was exposed to violence like this. And it was all because we would not let them illegally tap into our cable that we had just had installed.

Since then, I've kind of lived in my own little world. I don't talk to many people. I always talked to my fiance but he is getting where he cannot handle it all now. It stresses him out. -I- stress him out.

I don't leave my house often. Grocery run real fast sometimes. But that is maybe a half hour a month. I don't like people. I don't trust them. I'm afraid all the time that something is going to happen. And to make things worse.. I am a procrastinator. I need to see the doctor but being as I do not have insurance or income, I have to go to the clinic and it is only at night. I have to take the bus and would have to pray that I get out before the last bus and that hasn't ever happened.  So I just don't go. My blood pressure is really slapping me hard lately because of all this. I was doing better but seems I have gone all the way downhill now.

So that is why I am writing this blog. To help myself by exposing my day to day thoughts and concerns. By asking for help. By getting it all out in a healthy way instead of beating up all the dishes and cabinets in the kitchen!

Hopefully it will be interesting. Cry some days, laugh some days. Who knows. I certainly don't. I couldn't tell you if I am coming or going anymore. But enough for now. I will write more soon. Hope you enjoy reading.


  1. I am going to try my best to read this as often as I can! It is so hard for me to get online now! I am able to post things to FB from my phone, but other websites are not so easy :( I will do my best though!!!

  2. It's ok Jess, I do understand! I just have a few people on here for now but not writing every day. And you know if I need you badly, I will write you where you can find it or call :) Thanks Jess, Love ya! And Mason too!