Thursday, August 19, 2010

Day #2 - Feeling like crap

So my fiancee just left for work. I'm already in panic mode. Crying and carrying on. Grr. I HATE this crap. I want to feel normal. I want to not think he is cheating on me everytime I turn around. Then again, I want someone who will be proud of me, no matter how hard things are right now. And removing that you are engaged to me from your public profile doesn't help me feel that. Then add in that you have NO photos of the two of us or me on your page. Yet I have them on mine. Not anymore. If you aren't proud, why should I be?

Why can't I wake up and think.. wow, what a beautiful day! And smile and be happy? Like I used to be. Why do I have to wake up ready to slice a throat and cry more like an ocean than a river.

My dogs see me like this every day. I know its stupid, but they are my babies now. And I don't like them having to come over and kiss me all day just because they see me cry. I want to play with them and them to be happy. I want to go outside and throw the ball with them. Of course the weight doesnt help with that. And the depression makes me hurt SO bad. All over. I feel like I have been ran over by a mack truck.

I wake up crying, I go to bed crying. God take me away from all of this! I just want to be happy. Nothing more. I want my relationship to work. I love him. I was here for him when he wasn't a great person and dealing with his bipolar. I want him to understand and be there for me more now.

I want my kids to love me again. To be proud of me. I want to see them but I won't let them see me like this. Its been a LONG time and I can't let them know what is going on with me. They both have depression too. Luckily its not as severe as mine is right now and my mom makes sure it doesnt get that way. They are in counseling.

Blah. I just want some relief. A day to feel better. To feel normal. To be normal.

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